In some ways, it seems as though our world is becoming more polarized - people who are eager to be vaccinated and people who are not, people who believe in wearing masks, and people who disagree with the notion, people who want the economy to open back up, and people wanting us to increase restrictions. And so on…
With these deep-seated values and beliefs surfacing in different ways, and our organizations a microcosm of what’s happening in the world, how do we move from a place of polarization to authentically hearing each other (rather than trying to ‘sell’ others in our point of view)? While the examples above are observed through a macro lens of what is happening in our current environment, we are a part of that system and increasing conflict is becoming more prevalent in our daily lives. What’s more is that each of us engages with it differently, ranging from full avoidance to engaging head-on.
Storming
We’ve used the word “Storming” in this post’s title, for its meaning as one of the five stages that relationships, groups or teams move through in order to get to the ultimate goal - “Performing”. Conflict is a critical and necessary stage for all of us and the challenge is that, on an individual level, we all have different definitions, emotional responses, and experiences when it comes to conflict.
At The Ally Co., we stand for embracing tension (conflict) in that it is something that needs to be leaned into and requires a lot of courage, vulnerability and understanding (as well as a process and some tools). We’re noticing that the companies we work with, specifically those outperforming others in their spaces, are the ones who are “good” at engaging with conflict and seek it out for the purposes of innovation.
Defining conflict
First, let’s look at the word conflict. After a quick trip to Merriam-Websters to check their definition, it appears that the word conflict is….well, conflicted.
As a noun conflict is…
1: Fight, battle, war. an armed conflict.
2a: competitive or opposing action of incompatibles: antagonistic state or action. (as of divergent ideas, interests, or persons) a conflict of principles.
b: mental struggle resulting from incompatible or opposing needs, drives, wishes, or external or internal demands. His conscience was in conflict with his duty.
3: the opposition of persons or forces that gives rise to the dramatic action in a drama or fiction
As a verb conflict is…
1: to be different, opposed, or contradictory: to fail to be in agreement or accord. His statement conflicts with the facts.
In summary, it’s no wonder with words like “fight, war, battle and drama” conflict as a noun, and especially when we engage with it as a verb, stirs up some stuff.
Reframing conflict
An important point to remember is we all experience conflict differently. While some see passionate disagreement (loud voices, opposing ideas) as intense conflict, others experience that as debate to get to a better solution. It all depends on how we’ve internalized the experience of conflict (and our awareness and use of power - but don’t get us started on that).
We also make the case that it’s going to become more important in the future how we engage with conflict. It’s unrealistic (and unhealthy) to create our worlds and our organizations without conflict. What we can learn and change is how to engage with it in a way that’s safe, empowered, and pulls us into a better tomorrow. To do so, here’s a quick three-step process and some tools you can put into practice today, to get out of the “storming” phase and into more harmonious, conflict-friendly and productive relationships.
An important point to remember is we all experience conflict differently. While some see passionate disagreement (loud voices, opposing ideas) as intense conflict, others experience that as debate to get to a better solution. It all depends on how we’ve internalized the experience of conflict (and our awareness and use of power - but don’t get us started on that).
We also make the case that it’s going to become more important in the future how we engage with conflict. It’s unrealistic (and unhealthy) to create our worlds and our organizations without conflict. What we can learn and change is how to engage with it in a way that’s safe, empowered, and pulls us into a better tomorrow. To do so, here’s a quick three-step process and some tools you can put into practice today, to get out of the “storming” phase and into more harmonious, conflict-friendly and productive relationships.
3 Steps for moving past “storming”
Step 1: Bury weapons.
Anytime we head into a conflict thinking it’s going to be a battle we pick up all kinds of weapons (subconsciously) to protect ourselves. And in the first dictionary definition of a noun, these might actually be required. However, in the type of conflict we’re discussing, weapons are actually detrimental to any success. Different than bringing physical weapons as we head into battle, we’re referring to the intangible weapons that we hold tight. Weapons like the need to be right, “armouring up”, and using a protective shield to defend ourselves from from being hurt - all in the name/need of being seen as credible, smart or savvy, (the ego). The trouble with being in conflict with all these weapons is that we’re unable to show up authentically, with heart and so that we may follow the remaining steps below. Armour, in theory, protects us from getting hurt, but it also doesn’t allow any heart or humanity to shine through.
Step 2: Listen to hear, not to respond.
When we’re listening, it’s common for our thoughts to kick off an internal dialogue. Examples of this are thinking of what we want to say next, how the story the other person is sharing is similar to an experience we’ve had, or convincing ourselves that we’re listening when we’re really thinking about dinner plans, a looming deadline, or something else we’re multitasking on. This isn’t listening. Listening takes presence, turning off or away from whatever else has our attention and keeping the focus on the other person (or people). Listening is repeating back what we’ve heard, asking clarifying questions, and acknowledging the experience of others. This is one of the most challenging things we do when we’re in conflict and there’s an emotional charge.
Step 3: Look for the “third way”.
When we spend all of our time trying to convince the other party (parties) on why our view is the “right” one, we miss out on powerful opportunities like innovation, perspective, impact, and growth. Entertain the idea that both parties are right and wrong (or even better, let go of right and wrong), and that the best option is actually something that hasn’t yet been surfaced (or co.created). A transition statement such as “now that we know and can truly understand where each of us is coming from, what might be a third way for us to move forward?” This transitions people into the creative state of ‘what is possible’, rather than ‘what is wrong’, which can be restrictive and cancelling.
Bonus: Six ways for putting theory into practice
Okay, so we’ve snuck in a few more tips and shares, but we think you’ll find them helpful and practical :).
- For inspiration on what’s possible, when two groups are engaged in divisive conflict, check out “They Overcame Mutual Loathing, and Saved a Town”, a New York Times article on how loggers and environmentalists in Oregon overcame a bitter divide to create a sustainable future for all.
- Examine your relationship with conflict. What does conflict mean to you? What are the behaviours you are witnessing that signal conflict (ie. raised voices, outward disagreement, blame), and what kind of emotional responses are created? Entertain that what is true for you in regards to conflict might be different for others.
- Think of a situation where you could apply the 3 steps for moving past the “storming” stage with your teams and with your relationships. Book a call or meeting with the relevant parties.
- Prior to the meeting, reflect on what kind of weapons you’re holding onto and get clear on your intention in terms of how you want to show up in the conversation.
- Practice listening and look for the third way in the conversations and/or interactions.
- Create some space after. What went well? What would you do differently if the situation were to replay?
And if you’re still a bit stuck on a divisive issue within your organization, we’d love to support you with the particulars of your situation and how you might move past storming into productive conflict and performance.
